Guest Post: Lessons Learned Feeding The Squirrels

A GUEST POST by "Uncle" Larry Stevens

Every day I get up, fill my pockets with peanuts and head out for my morning walk around Pelican Lake in Juno Beach. I'll walk 3.3 or 4.3 miles, depending on the time I have and the heat. My average time has improved to 14 minutes and 30 seconds per mile and my best is 13 minutes and 40 seconds.

I've been feeding the squirrels so long now they somehow recognize me and come to the sidewalk for their peanut(s). On my last lap if I have a few extra peanuts left I'll give each squirrel two. Over the last couple of years I've watched them carefully as I go by and have made these observations. 

We have two types of squirrels here in Juno. When I feed them two peanuts each, both types will secure the peanuts in their mouths.

1. The first type will quickly run to the grass and bury one peanut, saving it for later in the day, and then eat the other. These are the God-fearing, conservative squirrels.
2. The second type has one of two patterns: Either they will sit on the sidewalk and eat both peanuts and or they will chase after me, begging for a third peanut. These are the atheistic, transfer payment seeking, liberal squirrels.

I regret to inform you that over the last two years the atheistic, transfer payment seeking, liberal squirrels have come to outnumber the God-fearing, conservative squirrels. Not only that, in the spring when they bear their young the atheistic, transfer payment seeking, liberal squirrels are having bigger litters. 

I heard on Fox News that these atheistic, transfer payment seeking, liberal squirrels were shipped to Juno Beach from Southern California – under the Health Care Act for Squirrels – sometime in the last year, because the supply of peanuts ran low in So Cal.

As I reflect back, I shudder at the error of my ways in voting for “change” for citizens and squirrels alike. I can only hope to redeem myself and to somehow restore the balance of nature around what used to be peaceful Pelican Lake in Juno Beach.

Uncle Larry

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• Uncle Larry is not to be confused with Larry Weidel... He's a different person altogether. Check out his blog.
• Previous post by Uncle Larry Stevens: I'm Getting Nuttin' For Christmas

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Photo public domain · Cool Picture Gallery, Laziest Squirrels In The World

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You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

Socks are only for bowling.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70° F is chilly.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

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You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley, Frances , Ivan, Jeanne & Wilma...

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.

You know that a 'halfback' is a yankee that once settled in Miami or South Florida to later move to the Carolina's is only halfway back to their home, where they belong. And a 'quarterback' is the same only on the return trip they stopped in North Florida or Georgia.

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You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

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You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts, water skied and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.