I'm Getting' Nuttin' for Christmas

As Tony drove Marty and I home from my 64^th birthday dinner at Palm Beach Grill, we listened to the Sugarland Christmas CD, “Gold and Green.” One of my favorite tracks is “I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas,” a remake of the original version sung by Billy Pressman. Very funny song. [listen below]

In case you don’t know it, here’s the chorus: “I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas - Mommy and Daddy are mad - I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas – ’Cause I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.” (This note will make a lot more sense if you buy the CD.) Anyway, the song is about being a precocious child, pulling one prank after another, and ending up no presents for Christmas.

I will now share a rare moment of personal introspection. As a kid, I was “bad” or precocious or whatever you want to call it. I’ll prove it. I attended T.J. Guise Elementary. The school’s principal just happened to be Ms. Guise, spinster daughter of the school’s namesake. I went through a lot with Ms. Guise. She had paddled me and suspended me several times for what I thought were “little pranks.” I remember her telling me once how she would not let me bring shame to her father's memory. Must admit – it didn’t mean a whole lot to me.

One Thursday in the cafeteria I asked for seconds and was told no. It was a poor school. We were all on the Federal lunch program, which cost each of us one shiny nickel per day. But I was a fat kid and I wanted seconds and it really ticked me off to not get them. So I organized a rebellion. I got every kid in the school to bring their lunch from home the following Monday. One hundred and twenty five kids brought their lunch - first though seventh grade - which meant that the 125 meals the school ordered on the Federal meal program went unpaid for. Again, on Tuesday I convinced the entire group to brown bag it again for a second day.

Principal Guise went crazy. She decided to single out a “special” gal in my class for interrogation, pointedly asking her why she’d brought her lunch. The little girl said plain out, “Because Larry asked me to.”

Angrily, Ms. Guise hauled me off to “the closet” and laid some serious paddle on my fat ass. Then she suspended me for a week – a school record at the time. I well remember my Dad punishing me at home, furiously asking me if I knew how much I had shamed the family.

Somehow I didn't take it too seriously and after my fanny healed I moved on with my life. In time I turned that precocious personality into being a modestly successful “bond salesman.”

Here’s hoping you “get something for Christmas.”

Uncle Larry

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Uncle Larry is not to be confused with Larry Weidel... He's a different person altogether. Check out his blog.